For the Generally Interested.

October 7, 2009 § 4 Comments

Tonight, I began to become suspicious of my mood. The past six weeks have had a cast of surreality about them that at times has caused me to stop and think, “Is this really happening?” By and large, finding an infant in my arms that “belongs” to me somehow is something I have yet to wrap my head around. That’s not the worrisome part– I’m sure every new parent goes through some variation of that.

But the past few days have led me to a place of withdrawal, and beginning to feel disconnected from everything around me. Including my daughter. I feel the stress of the last six weeks is finally beginning to take it’s toll, and I may be on the verge of a depression. The signs are there anyway. Good thing I see my shrink on Friday. He’ll likely up my Zoloft. I should also probably up the Lamictal as well, since the problem with antidepressants is that they can push me into a manic episode. And as much as I’d like a clean house, the manic rages are not something I want to expose my tiny baby to. Leave that for when she has mobility and can avoid Mama’s moods down the road.

I so do not want to become Mommy Dearest. Though, really, wire hangers totally warrant a freak out. They are Evil.

Just as a note, I did discuss my mood concerns with Matt. And will probably let my mom know tomorrow, since she will likely want me to come over there for the rest of the week. I hate going to my Mom’s during the day. Sure, it may be safer for me in general, but UGH it’s boring.

Well, I think I am about done expressing nourishment for my infant. Hopefully I can get back to sleep a little before she wakes up demanding said nourishment.

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§ 4 Responses to For the Generally Interested.

  • frodo_esque says:

    I’m so sorry your mood has taken a downturn, I imagine this must be difficult during a time when you probably feel you should be your happiest. I hope it reassures you to know that even though you do suffer from a disorder, experiencing depression-like symptoms after pregnancy are fairly common in women. The wonderful thing is that you’re getting help.
    I’m curious, I picked up that you clean the house when you get manic, but what sort of other moods does it encompass that the baby will have to avoid?

  • DT says:

    I get pretty irritable, and sometimes have rages. It is typical for me to have a screaming fit in which I throw or break things. I’ve gotten much better, but a few nights ago, I did wing a bottle out of the room. It almost hit Matt who was coming back in at the time.
    I also have impulses to hurt… things. I’m pretty good about NOT doing that though. Essentially, I can be pretty violent and verbally abusive when manic, on top of the “happy manic” stuff like spontaneous road trips and exciting ideas and projects. I’m not always a mean manic. But when I am… whew. Watch out.
    But like I said, I have gained a lot of self control over the years, and even though I feel those impulses, I can generally curb them.

  • sonneta says:

    Praying for you.

  • frodo_esque says:

    It’s good to hear you can generally curb them, and I’m sure you and your loved ones know that if you are feeling an manic period coming on, it’s best that your daughter be out of harms way just in case.
    I can imagine how stressful this must be for you. =(

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