LJ Idol Week Two:Uphill, Both Ways, Barefoot [and Pregnant]

October 29, 2009 § 27 Comments

This time last year I lost my second pregnancy in a row. The first I lost in August; the second, early October, and the third– well, I’m holding that little miracle in my arms as I type this. Getting pregnant, staying pregnant, having a baby and raising one have been an immense struggle for me. It seems that things that come so easily to others must be fought for in my life.

When Matt and I got married, I said “I want a baseball team!”

Matt said, “Um, let’s let God decide.”

One year later, after not trying, but not preventing either, we said “Let’s try!”

We tried for almost a year.

Then the doc said, “Your thyroid is outta whack! Take these, and it’ll be better.”

So I did. Within a few months, I was pregnant. A week after hearing the heartbeat, I bled, and soon, I wasn’t pregnant again. Within a month, we had another Big Fat Positive. But when I went for my first ultrasound, my womb was empty.

We said, “Let’s stop trying till we figure this out.”

But by then I was pregnant again. Apparently fixing the thyroid makes for uber-fertility.

The doc said, “Your hormone levels are too low. You are going to lose this one as well. But take these just in case.”

So I did, and soon we heard a heartbeat. But there was something wrong with my mind. I was depressed and wanted to die.

The doc said, “You have to be medicated during your pregnancy, but it could hurt the baby. Take these– they are safest.”

So I did, and still I landed in the hospital twice for extended stays. But ultrasounds showed that my little girl was ok, so I was pleased.

After 36 hours of labor, and two hours of pushing, a tiny baby was placed on my chest with golden hair and a more than passing resemblance to Winston Churchill.

But the difficult labor had twisted her neck, and she couldn’t nurse well.

The doc said, “Just give her a bottle.” and I said, “No. I’m going to fix this.”

So the chiropractor did, and soon, she was nursing beautifully.

But then the doc said, “She’s too skinny, you don’t have enough milk, give her a bottle.”

So I cried, because why does everything have to be so hard? But I gave her bottles and continued to nurse, and soon, it wasn’t so very hard anymore.

I said, “I want more!” But Matt said, “No. It’s too hard, and I don’t want to risk losing you.”

And so I cry. For my lost children and the ones I will never have.

But I rejoice in this one precious gift who says “I love you!” with her eyes every day, and who is worth all the struggle and uphill battles it took to have her.

I would do it all again for her.

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§ 27 Responses to LJ Idol Week Two:Uphill, Both Ways, Barefoot [and Pregnant]

  • stormkitty says:

    I’m so glad you have your little one. I know it’s been a long, hard journey for you. Great entry and thank you for sharing.

  • pricelessone says:

    I am so glad you have that little baby with you. It’s true, many of the things worth the most in life are the hardest-won. Keep fighting for them!

  • pixie117 says:

    I have a good friend who is having trouble like you and they blame her thyroid. She is really worried she may never be able to have a baby. I might share this with her to give her hope. Very beautiful story and I am glad you were able to have your little girl! What a miracle! Maybe after some time, your husband may want to try again, who knows, right? I imagine it was a really hard time for both of you.

  • faerie_spark says:

    Blessings. This is beautiful. The human body is complex and pernicious. You had more than your share of struggles, and it sounds as if you love your little one all the more for everything you both went through.
    I am a woman who is cynical about the whole having children thing, so the fact that you brought me to tears and made me feel yoru longing and love is a testament to the strength of your emotions and the beauty of your words.
    Thank you.

  • ladyfaith3 says:

    Oh that is so sweet! I am glad things are getting easier, and who knows how it may go in the future! I also wanted a “platoon” of children and my husband says this is it for us….but I know God knows his plans for us and we will see
    God bless you I am so glad you got your little miracle!

  • shadowwolf13 says:

    Aw, how sweet! 🙂

  • hannahsarah says:

    My beloved adopted daughter wants to know why she doesn’t have lots of brothers and sisters. I told her that G-d decided how many children a mom can handle, and that’s why I have her – and why my sister has the two rambunctious boys!

  • tamaraland says:

    Great entry. Our first was a surprise, I was even on the pill. I got pregnant again, but quickly lost it. Now we’re not trying, but not preventing. I realized that the one child we have is so fantastic, it’s absolute greed to want another.
    But I’m greedy. So I still hope every month, but I’m not so disappointed every month anymore.

  • bojojoti says:

    Some women have babies so easily, and, for others, it is a monumental task. I wanted to have more, but I am so very grateful for what I have.

  • Nicely written. I know you covered in some detail in previous entries just how much of a struggle this was and I admire you for sticking with it. It’s sometimes hard to tell a doctor that he doesn’t know better and do what you know to be best. Good work.

  • How beautiful – and happy and sad both.
    I’m 28, and my husband and I want children, but currently cannot have them because of my own issues with illness (thyroid problems being the least of our concerns – Lupus and PCOS being two of the largest). I sometimes cry, wondering if I’ll be lucky, if I’ll get to tell a story involving my own son or daughter. So I really thought this was heartfelt, and deeply profound, and it reached me on a very personal level.

  • hexkitten says:

    Oh, this was hard to read. The simplicity of your words brought back a lot of memories for me. I’m glad that you have your little one and that she’s thriving.

  • jenandbronze says:

    Awww, I almost teared up, … I loved how you wrote this, and ended so positively with the happiest child in your life. HUGS!

  • DT says:

    It’s amazing to me how quickly we were able to get pregnant once thy started me on the Synthroid. I hope it works for your friend as well!

  • onda_bianca says:

    I’m glad you finally got your precious baby. 🙂

  • sherriola says:

    Wow, truly a uphill both ways experience for you. So glad you have your precious daughter and your husband who cares more about you than anything.

  • java_fiend says:

    Beautiful story. I’m glad you have such a precious little gift in your life. I’m so sorry for the struggles you endured to get her… but I’m glad you have her. Thanks for sharing this story.

  • norda says:

    Your girl is a precious, precious gift.

  • mstrobel says:

    I’m so happy you have your little miracle 🙂

  • AWW I’m glad you persevered!

  • I know how this feels. The first baby came easily, too easily, but since he’s been born it’s been one thing after another and here we are, 18 months and some change post birth. I’ve had a miscarriage, a confirmed chemical pregnancy and a suspected chemical pregnancy. Birth trauma, postpartum depression, nursing issues, slow weight gain – so many of the things you’re talking about here are things I’ve fought against, too.
    But I also know exactly what you mean at the end of your entry – all the struggle is worth it to have my little boy’s love and appreciation.

  • baxaphobia says:

    Awwww. I’m glad you have your little girl! Winston Churchill! hahahahah

  • rosepurr says:

    Congrats! I didn’t realize that you’d had your darling baby.

  • roina_arwen says:

    Congratulations on your little blessing, and good luck in the polls this week!

  • imafarmgirl says:

    It definotly sounds like a struggle.
    Yay for chiropractors. I love mine.

  • Aw! This was precious!

  • lawchicky says:

    I’ve had similar problems with childbearing, so this spoke to me.
    Great entry.

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