February 28, 2005 § 3 Comments
All of my life I’ve always believed
That the dream that I wish will come true
But now that I’m grown all those childhood beliefs
In my head just will not do.
I’ve wanted the fairy tale, wanted the dream
But logic and life will go on.
It looks to me now that things ARE THIS WAY
My life won’t get played in a song.
Oh where is my Prince?
Someday he’ll come
At least that’s the lie I’ve been told.
But I can’t sit and wait,
And I won’t pine away—
It’s the pining that makes you grow old.
Why did I believe in those old fairy tales?
Why dream that that life could be mine?
Time passes slowly and surely each day,
What good does it do me to whine?
So then why does it feel like I’m missing out;
What’s this void that demands to be filled?
Sweet Desire stands longing
While I strive and fight,
It seems these things cannot be willed.
I want him (but who?)
I need him (for what?)
I just want to love him so bad
This nameless and faceless
Prince of my dreams
This fool’s wish is driving me mad.
Ok, I need to find a new focus…
February 8, 2005 § 6 Comments
Once again, melancholy has struck. Seems I’m in another downward swing in the great pendulum of how-I-feel-about-my-single-state. I just hate feeling like there is nothing i can do about it. And I hate whinging on about it as I am so apt to do when I find myself in this place. Complain complain complain.
I’m not bitterly disappointed or anything like that. Just wistfully hopeful(?) I guess. Whatever it is is, I feel like I’m spinning my wheels again, and i don’t know a way out of it.
I’m 29. I want to get married. TICK TICK TICK.
Actually, it isn’t my biological clock (I think I’d rather adopt than have my own kids, actually) it’s just this… hollow spot. Like an empty shelf.
Gah!!! The wait is slowly driving me mad. Logically, I know I am in school, and the logistics of a relationship moving towards marraige would probably be ill-timed. But I just don’t even care about that right now. Having NO prospects is killing me. I pray, and lament, and beg….
Jesus encourages us to keep on asking. Like the woman with the unjust judge. “I know I neither regard man nor fear the LORD, but to get this woman OFF MY BACK I will give her justice!” Ok, loose paraphrase, but that’s basically the point of the parable. Because she wouldn’t stop pestering him, he gave her what she asked for– even tho he personally had no regard for her or doing the right thing. And we are commanded to take the same approach with God, tho He DOES care, very much so.
But why’s He gotta take so long.
Waiting waiting waiting. ugh