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LJ Idol Week One: Saying Goodbye

September 24, 2008 § 41 Comments

At the age of 23, I said goodbye to my children. I had none, but was under the horrible impression that I never would either. I wept. I grieved. I missed the children I believed I would never have.

A few years, diagnoses and medications later, and the possibility of having children of my own began to glimmer once more. I welcomed back the idea, but having said goodbye already, was unwilling to pin my hopes on it. So I suspended my desire, and watched warily to see what would happen.

And then the unlooked for; a plus sign on a stick! One whom I had already goodbyed was here, now, impossibly and inexorably.

But something wasn’t right. The blood, oh the blood. It never stopped, never. For weeks I was a wreck, saying goodbye in my heart every single day while trying to fight in my head what my instincts already knew.

For weeks, I held my little Caedmon within me, hugging myself to sleep every night, as my husband held and hugged me. The doctors told me the heartbeat was too slow. The blood never stopped, never.

I denied my goodbye, even as I repeated it over and over.

One day, the doctors said the slow heartbeat had stopped. Still I held my little Caedmon, praying and hoping and wishing and willing away my goodbye. But the blood never stopped, no never.

They told me I couldn’t hold my little Caedmon anymore. They would have to take my little one from me, because my body wouldn’t say goodbye on its own. And so the child I had not known, but had lost at 23, was once again to be mourned. I wept. I grieved.

I said goodbye.

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Thoughts to Ponder on Loss

September 8, 2008 § 8 Comments

The following was posted on Baby Center, where I continue to be active on the forums. Some of you who have lost children will be able to relate (and nod over things our well-meaning loved ones have said to us) and for those of you who have not personally experienced this, it may be helpful advice for helping those of us who have to deal with our grief. Matt and I are grateful to our friends and family for their prayers, concern and comfort during our time of loss.

Love,

DT

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