LJ Idol Week One: Saying Goodbye
September 24, 2008 § 41 Comments
At the age of 23, I said goodbye to my children. I had none, but was under the horrible impression that I never would either. I wept. I grieved. I missed the children I believed I would never have.
A few years, diagnoses and medications later, and the possibility of having children of my own began to glimmer once more. I welcomed back the idea, but having said goodbye already, was unwilling to pin my hopes on it. So I suspended my desire, and watched warily to see what would happen.
And then the unlooked for; a plus sign on a stick! One whom I had already goodbyed was here, now, impossibly and inexorably.
But something wasn’t right. The blood, oh the blood. It never stopped, never. For weeks I was a wreck, saying goodbye in my heart every single day while trying to fight in my head what my instincts already knew.
For weeks, I held my little Caedmon within me, hugging myself to sleep every night, as my husband held and hugged me. The doctors told me the heartbeat was too slow. The blood never stopped, never.
I denied my goodbye, even as I repeated it over and over.
One day, the doctors said the slow heartbeat had stopped. Still I held my little Caedmon, praying and hoping and wishing and willing away my goodbye. But the blood never stopped, no never.
They told me I couldn’t hold my little Caedmon anymore. They would have to take my little one from me, because my body wouldn’t say goodbye on its own. And so the child I had not known, but had lost at 23, was once again to be mourned. I wept. I grieved.
I said goodbye.
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I am so sorry. This was written well and made me feel exactly how you were feeling.
Thank you. Of course, I could hardly see by the time i was done typing…
It’s still kinda raw… but I really am much better now.
Oh, that is so tragic! How awful to know something is wrong and not be able to fix it. (((hugs)))
::sniffle:: Beautifully written.
Afterwards, they said it was my thyroid. My levels dropped a whole lot, which my blood tests proved when I had the D&E. It explained why I was so depressed and crazy through the whole pregnancy, and why I couldn’t hold on to it.
I’m back on my Synthroid, and will have to have my blood closely monitored in my next pregnancy to make sure it doesn’t happen again. But at least now I know.
Oh God. I am so sorry you had to go through that. That is definately my worst fear. *hugs*
I was terribly ill with my daughter and I continued to lose weight. At six months of pregnancy, I had lost twelve pounds. I ended up hospitalized. I was hypothyroid, and I began to take medication. It took about a month to stabilize my system, but I was able to function once more.
Are you taking a good multi-vitamin? You want to be as healthy as possible.
Yes, I am taking so many vitamins, I should have stock in the companies! I switched to a natural pre-natal from the synthetic one I was one, and have continued to take that, along with Cod Liver Oil, vitamin C, and now some supplements specifically for thyroid. I’m also drinking lots of raw milk, so that is giving me lots of natural vitamins and minerals as well.
I feel like my thyroid function is better– the fatigue and depression have definitely lifted, but now for the manic symptoms, it may be working too well. Balance. huh. Some libra I am– freaking bi-polar!! lol
Thank you. My two best friends both had miscarriages, so I was afraid of it before hand as well. I wish my first pregnancy experience could have been one to dispel that fear.
I’m sorry about the confusion with my entry.
Thank you for the kindness you sent me. The following year I released two doves on their birthday. I couldn’t bring myself to name them, nothing seemed right.
As for my husband… no he never came around, I left him a couple months later. I was tired of being abused and blamed for the loss of our children when it was in fact his fault.
This is so sad. 😦
/hugs
I feel as though I’m right there with you in reading this. And I am so sorry 😦
I’m sorry.
Thank you for writing this, though.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I have had a miscarriage before and I hurt inside reading this but I also understood what you were going through.
Well written. I look forward to your next entry.
And I wish you much luck in the baby department.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
This broke my heart.
I’m so sorry for your loss and your pain. You express yourself so very well.
Was it recent this all occured, since you mentioned the emotions were still raw from it. I am sending tons of hugs to you, as it is hard to grieve for one that you hoped to have. The words flowed, the emotions you felt came right out nicely to the “paper”. You have my vote.
Thank you very much for all your kind words! And yes, this just happened last month. I would have preferred to do a lighter piece, but this was so close, it seemed my honest state would be better to go with. Of course, it still sets me crying every time I look at it, but it was still therapeutic.
Hopefully we’ll have a more fun topic next week!
Thank you, and thank you! I enjoyed your piece as well.
Thank you, and I’m sorry! I don’t usually like writing sad things that make [me] cry.
I agree, I hope for a fun topic next week as well.
Thank you, and I’m sorry if this revived fresh pain. That was a concern after I wrote it and thought about it.. but I figured I should be true to my experience for the topic. Plus, it was rather cathartic to write it out this way.
I, too, look forward to your net entry! This is… not exactly fun but certainly interesting and a worthwhile experience!
We may have new developments in the Baby Department in the next couple of weeks… here’s hoping!
The doves sounds like a wonderful gesture. A friend of mine just sent me a note telling me that a balloon with Caedmon’s name in it will be released at a fundraiser for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Prevention next month. Apparently it is on Oct 15.
I’m sorry about your husband situation as well. 😦 *hugs*
Everything happens for a reason. I moved on, found a wonderful man that I’ve been with since shortly after I left my husband, I now have a beautiful daughter, 2 ferrets, and 1 cat. My family has grown quite large.
lol it sounds like it!! Is that your daughter in the icon?
My husband and I have our furbaby for now– a very large Rhodesian Ridgeback who acts like a 3 year old most of the time.
Don’t be sorry.
Yes, that is my little one in the picture.
Thank you! And good luck!!!
Aw 😥
So very sorry.
very sad. I’m so sorry.
My heart breaks for this kind of loss.
*hugs*
My thoughts are with you and as I read this is brought back memories of my two losses. I am so sorry you had to endure that.
*hugs* i’m so sorry…
Thank you for writing this, it must have been hard to do.
How sad, but beautifully written.
This is so sad. Well-written, too.
This is so heartbreaking, but beautifully written. I’m sorry for your loss.
I still mourn. Miscarriage is horrible.
I’m so sorry, and yes, it is. I found myself suddenly crying again today, immediately after thinking, “Gee, I’ve handled this so well.”
*hugs*